Clayton Jennings Lyrics “Talking to Walls” from the “Leaving Religion” Spoken Word Album
Note: click on the red text for a behind the scenes understanding of the lyric.
Three albums into this thing and I am running out of words to say. Two decades of following Jesus and I am running out of words to pray.
Sometimes I feel like I am caught up in a whirlwind of past mistakes. I don’t look back because it’s my past I hate.
But you can’t travel backwards to yesterday and the more I try to the less I pray. I guess it’s hard to talk to God when your ashamed.
So here we are 2 million followers later and I am with this same pen and this pad of paper. Just trying to share something that will inspire the masses.
But how to manage this popularity wasn’t taught in my classes. Most of the time I feel like i’m in over my head.
As a kid there was a picture of James Dean hung over my bed. He was a rebel and I am just a lost cause. I sit alone in my room ignoring text and block calls.
I keep my head low as I pass people in halls. I never expected to be somebody when I was a kid. I never expected to need somebody to know how to live.
I’ve always been the type to do things myself. But lately I’ve been picking up that Bible a lot more off my shelf and the schedule I keep is affecting my health. Irregular heartbeat and anxiety just won’t quit. Sometimes I just wanna just walk away from all of this.
I never asked for this. I was just called to it. But I can’t seem to get God to pick up on speed dial. Seems like He’s been ignoring my calls now for awhile.
And Maybe I deserve it because I didn’t always pick up for him.
I can’t go to church anymore because people always ask for pics in every service I am in. They think I am spiritual but inside I am just nervous and tense.
I can’t get used to this popularity. Now more than ever this pedestal is scary.
An angel on one shoulder the devil on the other just daring me to yank the skeletons out of the closet and put them on display.
I feel like I am talking to the wall whenever I pray. If they knew who I was they wouldn’t ask me for pics. Thirty years old still looking to the world for that fix.
But if Jesus is enough I should not feel like this. Still hurting from the past I can’t heal like this.
This poem isn’t for you this poem is for me. Someday I hope to be left alone someday when I am free. I hope someday all this will have been worth it. Imagine being 80 only to look back on your past and curse it.
Let me write this clearly I don’t need to write it in cursive. To tell you that even though you think highly of me i think that I’m worthless and nothing you do or say is going to change that.
There is a beast inside of me and I can’t tame that. And that monster keeps reminding me of everything about me that I hate.
Maybe God’s grace found me just a little too late. Because I wasted a lot of years breaking a lot of hearts . I turn off the replay of those days every time it starts.
This is me now and this is what it feel like to be empty. There isn’t a day that goes by that the devil doesn’t tempt me.
I just have to remind myself of the God who sent me. When I keep my eyes on Him I can breath again. Two million fans but still in need of a friend. Welcome to the world I am in.